A Broken Circle
by Kiraiko
Summary: Sonja Amell has returned to the place she called home for so long to find her brethren dead or twisted into abominations, with the Templars ready to purge the entire Tower but she isn't about to give up as easily as them.
1. Fall of the Tower

I'm sure everyone is sick of fem!mage/Cullen pairings but guess what? I'm not! haha

Anyway this is just my own little twist and version of the Broken Circle quest from my fem!Amell character.

* * *

"What are you looking for?" Came Alistair's voice over her shoulder. Sonja Amell turned her head slightly to look at him. "Just... some one I know. I didn't see them down stairs and I haven't seen..." She couldn't bring herself to say it out loud. She didn't want to imagine what Cullen's corpse might look like. But she hadn't seen him at the entrance with the other Templars, and so far none of the fallen Templars they had passed had been him.

How could she tell? How did she know they weren't him? Even in death they all looked alike with their identical armor and helms, their identities sacrifice to the order a long time ago to become one of the living statues that guards the Circle Tower. She didn't know how, just as she didn't know how for years she always knew Cullen when she saw him standing at his post in a hall or the library or anywhere else. Even with the helm and armor and that same exact stance that has been drilled and trained into them all, she knew him. She always smiled at him and said hello and his stammered reply always seemed to make the cold stones of the tower a little less confining.

Sonja keeps moving down the hall from where she had been standing, just down from Irving's quarters, the last place she had seen Cullen. She could still remember the first time she'd seen him. She had been in the tower since she was very little, she barely remembered her home in a small village near RedCliffe, sometimes, in that strange place between being awake and asleep, she could remember better, she could see her mother, a tall woman, leaning over a pot of what must be stew because her mouth is watering at the smell. Her father, his face blurred by the years, is sitting at a table near by and calls her name, holding out his arms and she runs to him and giggles as he pulls her into his lap. She doesn't know why she remembers this and nothing else. But it always the same memory, and the only one she has. Maybe if the Circle agrees to help them with Connor and they go back, maybe she will have the time to find her old village and see what there is to see.

But as said, she had been very little when she had been brought here, she didn't even remember what it was that had caused her parents to send her away, or to be taken away from them. But when she had been fifteen she and Jowan had been hiding behind a pillar in the entrance, staging a prank for the Templars who guarded the door. She and Jowan had always been getting into trouble together, and they seemed to take turns as to whose fault the trouble really was. But then the doors had opened and their prank had been ruined and she and Jowan shared an irritated look but jumped as two Templars rounded the corner, standing up straight and fixing what they hoped looked like innocent expressions onto their faces. And Sonja noticed a third person with the Templars, a boy, just a year or so older than her, with curly red hair, he had seen her too and as he passed by the two shared a long look of curiosity, each asking the other 'how are you?'. He was very cute, and as she gave him a smile his head jerked back into looking straight ahead, but she saw the blush in his cheeks.

Cullen had become a Templar and while Sonja, like all the other mages and especially the apprentices, was a little resentful towards the Templars for treating them like ticking time bombs that really should just be taken care of before they explode, she had never felt an ounce of resentment towards Cullen. How could she resent him? Cullen with his red curls and his warm brown eyes and his stuttered hello's and goodbye's. And even with the helm, the armor, and the posture, she had always known him, and she had always felt his eyes on her back, watching her, and it didn't irritate her at all like it did when she could feel the eyes of the other Templars on her. Because Cullen protected her.

She hadn't seen him since the day of her Harrowing. She hadn't noticed him standing in the back of the Harrowing chamber, his helm off and a nervous expression on his face. She hadn't known that if she were to fail, Cullen would be the one to strike her down, to end her life to keep other's safe. But if she had known, she would have been grateful, because if anyone were to have to kill her, she would want it to be Cullen, even if her mind was gone far away, should be happy to have him as the last thing she saw. But it hadn't come to that and when she had woken up she hadn't known that even as she had lay crumpled on the Harrowing Chamber floor, Cullen had been protecting her and had been the one to carry her to her room. It was probably the only time in their lives they had touched, and Sonja had missed it completely.

She'd woken up and been told by Jowan that Irving wanted to see her so she'd gone and there he'd been, standing in the hall way just down from Irving's study, and for some reason his helm had been off. So she had stopped to talk and he'd told her about the small role he had played in her Harrowing. And she didn't know why, but she had felt brave that day. Bold. Maybe it had been the success of her Harrowing, being elevated from an apprentice to a full Mage. Maybe it was the way Cullen had told her, more or less, that he would never want to hurt her. So she'd brought it up, that silent thing always hanging between them. She had her own room now, a small amount of privacy, maybe now she and Cullen could get to know one another and while she had and hadn't meant anything beyond talking, she was sure that that was how it came across. But it was the truth, she had seen how he looked at her.

Cullen had looked utterly shocked, then excited, then terrified, all in the space of two seconds, stammering out an excuse, and then he was gone, all but fleeing down the hall. Sonja stood there for a moment, watching him go, the confidence and elation she had felt just a moment ago, gone. And for the first time in her life, she resented Cullen a little bit. But she knew it was her fault, she knew she shouldn't have said anything, Cullen might have been trained to fight and kill mages but he knew nothing of women, all he knew was duty. She didn't blame him for heading for the hills, all of his training pointed her as the enemy, and yet over the years she knew they had grown very fond of one another. She had hoped... she had thought. Well she hadn't really thought about it. If she had, she wouldn't have done it. It was... impossible.

And then had really become impossible, Duncan had come and she had had a feeling he was there because of her but she hadn't fully understood why. And then Jowan had been asking for her help and how could she say no to him? They had been friends since she had arrived, for nearly fifteen years now they'd been steadfast companions. She knew what he was asking her to do was forbidden, that she should go to Irving. But she didn't, how could she? How could she leave Jowan to his fate as a walking doll, no emotions, no soul. She couldn't, so she'd helped. And then he'd betrayed her and ran and thank the Maker for Duncan. Or she'd probably be awaiting a trial to be executed by Templars for aiding a blood mage.

But now here she was, right back where she had started. But things were... notably different. A lot had happened in the year since she had left. There were corpses... everywhere. People she knew, people she had grown up with. And the demons, and abominations, the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end every time they fought one of the horrors that had once been a mage. To think that she had the potential to end up the same way. It made her feel sick. The Tower was ravaged, her home all but destroyed. And it looked like it was up to her and her small party to save what was left of it.

And then they reached the Great Hall and some small part of her is holding out, hoping to find Cullen hiding in a cabinet like Godwin, but she knew better. Cullen would never hide, he would never just sit by and let this happen without trying to stop it. And every time they entered a room and had to fight off enchanted and bewitched Templars she was relieved to search the bodies and find none of them were Cullen. She could see Wynne watching her from the corner of her eye. The old woman was deceptively smart and observant, and she had been here the whole time she had held those hidden affections for Cullen. Did she know? Did she know whose face it was Sonja searched for among the fallen Templars?

Now they are at the top floor, only the Harrowing Chamber is left. They have carved their way through walking dead, demons, shades, Templars controlled by demons, and the abominations that used to be her brethren. And she thinks they are almost there, only a little further and they can take care of the traitor, Uldred. But then she meets their greatest obstacle yet and falls, falls into the fade.


	2. Duty Over All

So I know that in the Fade part, you're greet by Duncan and all that good stuff but I never really liked that... I wish they had personalized it more. Alistair has been a Grey Warden longer than you and he doesn't even dream about a peaceful existence with the Grey Wardens so why should you? So for my fem!Amell her dream trap is something different...

* * *

And as she opens her eyes, there he is. There is Cullen, he is safe and exactly as she remembers him, giving her that shy smile and shifting in his armor. "Cullen?" She breathes, looking around and realizing that firstly, she was sprawled on the ground and secondly, that they were in a village. This place seems... so familiar, it is small and quaint and cozy and it's the middle of spring. There are flowers in the grass and the trees, birds sing, and everything is warm and happy. She looks back to Cullen and the red-headed Templar is reaching down to help her up; she takes his hand and is hauled to her feet as if she weighed naught more than a feather and blinks in surprise as Cullen doesn't let her hand go and pulls her closer to him. "Is it like you remember?" He asks and at first she doesn't know what he's talking about, her brow furrowing. "What?" She asks and Cullen laughs and her heart aches. Oh how she had missed that sound.

"The village! You said you wanted to come home some day, so I looked around our records and they say this is the village you were born in." He explains, letting her hand go. Sonja gapes about them, turning in a slow circle. Yes. This is the village, she remembers now. Oh she remembers, and the memories wash over her like a wave and she feels Cullen's hand on her back as she sways slightly. "Yes..." She whispers softly, walking over to a tree nearby. "I remember..." she whispers, placing a hand on the trunk, pointing at a building near by. "That's the feed store, father used to buy me candy there sometimes when a merchant selling it would pass through." She turns her head and points at another building further down the village's packed dirt street. "And that was my Aunt Lizzy's house, she had a baby when I was little and I always loved to go and play with it. And that-" she pauses and looks at a smaller building two down from her Aunt's house. "-that is my home..." And there is a smile on her face and she feels like she could die right now and she would have no regrets. She looks at the tree next to her and looks up into it. She used to play in this tree... it had seemed so much bigger back then.

Her green eyes turn and look at Cullen, who is smiling at her and she smiles back, walking over to him, looking up at his handsome face as he had always been much taller than her. "Thank you Cullen. This means a lot." She tells him quietly, and he blushes and she realizes just how much she had always like that little habit of his. "Anything for you Sonja." He answers and now it's her turn to blush a bit. She looks around them again then back to Cullen. "But how... how did you do this?" She asks. "How did we get here? I don't... remember..." She says, frowning suddenly. No, she doesn't remember coming here. "I told you, I looked around. You don't remember the journey down?" He asks and Sonja shakes her head, still frowning.

"You're happy though right?" He asks and Sonja looks back to him. "Yes! I am, I don't mean to seem ungrateful, I'm sorry. I just..." She looks around and it just doesn't seem to fit. But she feels Cullen's hand on her cheek and his gauntlet is gone, pulling her attention back to him, surprised by how warm his hand is against her skin. "I had hoped... we could stay..." He tells her quietly. Sonja blinks. "Stay? Here? You mean together?" She asked, looking a little bewildered. Cullen nods, looking down at her, his hand resting on her shoulder. "Yes, I left the Templars, I don't want that life anymore. I want another life, with you." He tells her quietly and Sonja stares at him. She had always dreamt of this, in that small part of herself that everyone has where you wish for impossible things because that's as close as you'll ever get to them. "But I'm a mage and you're a Templar-" "Not anymore. I'm just Cullen. Your Cullen." Sonja stares up at him and her heart skips a beat as Cullen is leaning down, his warm brown eyes closing as the distance between their lips gets smaller and smaller.

"You're not my Cullen." Sonja whispers and the not-Cullen falters, opening his eyes to look at her. "What?" He blinks. "You're not Cullen, Cullen would never abandon his duty, his brothers, for anything. Not even me." She tells him, sounding almost bitter. "What are you talking about? I did leave! I'm right here with you, I'll always be here with you!" He tells her earnestly, his hands gripping her arms lightly, gently. "Sonja, I-" "Cullen is a Templar and I am a Grey Warden and the thing they have in common is they hold duty above all else. Cullen would never abandon the Circle Tower. And I would never abandon Fereldan to the Blight." She snaps, stepping away from him and out of his grasp. "You are not Cullen. This is not my home. This place is not real." _No matter how badly I wish it was._

"How can you do this to me?" Cullen says mournfully and Sonja has to steel her heart against the tug his obvious anguish causes in her. "I have given up everything for you and you throw back at me!" She can see the hurt and anger in him and begins to feel defensive, on alert. "This is a lie! You're not real! You're a spirit working for Sloth! You won't defeat me so easily!" She shouts and Cullen draws his sword she calls on her magic, her hands radiating with it. And in the back of her mind she doesn't want to hurt this lie, she wants it to be real, she wishes this was really her village and Cullen was here with her. But he isn't, and this place is a lie, it's the fade. And the fade isn't real. Cullen rushes her with a angry shout and Sonja falters for only a second, anguished at having to fight the man she'd wanted for years, but reminding herself it isn't him, letting out a scream as she releases the lightning crackling between her finger tips, paralyzing the not-Cullen, following it by an inferno and she has to close her eyes as the flames wrap around Cullen, twisting and burning, clenching her jaws and keeping her eyes shut tight to block out his screams, only relenting when they finally stop.

Sonja collapses to her knees and tears fall onto her lap, her arms tingling from channeling her magic, her eyes still shut. And after a moment she finally brings herself to open her eyes and looks, but sees nothing, Cullen's body is not there, and the village is gone. It was just a dream. And she has a job to do.


	3. Defiance

Once the Cullen dialogue starts up it's basically like the game, with some minor changes and of course Sonja's thoughts, until the end because Cullen kind of pissed me off. First he tells you he hates you and all other mages and then demands you go up and kill everyone. Nice. I think not.

* * *

Sonja felt so heavy, but for the first time in what felt like an eternity she felt real, the heaviness of gravity weighed on her body, which felt drained and weary, her mind groggy. Then she felt a hang shaking her shoulder and let out a groan. "Sonja? Wake up. Are you alright?" She heard a voice asking, one green eye opening lazily to see Alistair kneeling down beside her, a concerned look on his face. "Fine..." She murmered, but he didn't look convinced. She was fine, it would just take time to shake that feeling that she had just suffered some great loss. That thing had not been Cullen, that place had not been real, but it clung to her heart and mind all the same, lingering traces remaining, like when you sweep your hand through a spider's web, the strands broken but still clinging and it takes a moment to shake them off your fingers. "Thank you." Alistair said suddenly and Sonja looked at him, sitting up slowly and looking confused. "For what?" She asks, running a hand through her short dark hair. "For saving me from that place. Sometimes I wonder what I would do without you. What we would do without you." He tells her and Sonja smiles and it feels like the first time she's really smiled for some time. "Don't mention it." She tells him and he smiles. "I'd ask the same of you... that was a little embarrassing..." He murmered, staring at his boot suddenly. A soft laugh rippled in Sonja's throat. "Don't worry about it Alistair." She tells him and he stands, offering her a hand and she takes it and is for some reason struck by the dream memory of the not-Cullen doing the same for her, but Alistair doesn't notice her falter or her stare, pulling her to her feet effortlessly.

She looks at Alistair for a moment, she hadn't known whatf to think of him at first. She had been happy, to be honest, to get away from the Tower, the Templars. It had been scary at first, and lonely, she had lived with the same people and in the same place for so long, the other mages were her family and the Tower was her home. But she had never liked being so confined and constantly watched and bossed around. It had almost been overwhelming, she had almost forgotten what the breeze felt like on her face, the sunlight on her skin, the sky open over head. And it had been so strange not to be watched for once, sure Duncan kept an eye on her, but he didn't keep a constant scrutinizing eye on her. She had missed everyone for a little while, but not the feeling of being in a cage, of being in a jail where she could walk around but only under the ever watchful eye of her jailors. So she had not missed the Templars she had always resented, except for one, but she had been doing her best to put Cullen behind her. It was just an infatuation, she told herself, how could it be anything more? They hardly knew one another. They had probably said a total of ten sentences to one another over the past five or so years. It had still been difficult.

Then Duncan had sent her to find Alistair and he had been harrassing a mage and then he told her had been in training to be a Templar and Sonja had instantly been wary of placing any trust in him. And yet, she had liked him. She couldn't help but be reminded of another red-headed good hearted Templar. She knew Alistair had a bit of a crush on her, but she had been avoiding it and had been careful not to seem interested, not to lead him on. She told herself that she and Alistair had a far too important mission to get sidetracked by romance, especially with one another, she told herself that no man who had been all but raised to hunt mages could ever really accept her, she told herself many things but deep down she'd also felt guilty. She and Cullen had never been anything, never could be anything, but she couldn't help but feel like she was some how betraying that sweet stuttering fool, like she was being disloyal even though there was nothing there to be loyal to.

"Uh, is there something on my face?" Alistair asks, snapping Sonja out of her reverie and she blinks and takes a moment to remember his question. "Oh, uh, no. I was just thinking, sorry." She murmers, looking away. "Should we stop and rest for a moment?" He asks, looking concerned again and Sonja starts to tell him not to worry but Wynne speaks up for her. "No, we don't have time. I have the Litany here. Let's go." She says, holding up the scroll. Sonja glances at the body near by, frowning. Poor Niall. He won't have died in vain, none of them will.

So they fight on, drawing ever closer to the Harrowing Chamber and then they run into the room with the stairs leading up and Sonja comes skidding to a stop, Alistair, Wynn, and Sten, the silent mountain, nearly crashing into her. For a moment she thinks she must have fallen asleep, that she was even more tired than she realized and fell asleep and is dreaming again, dreaming about Cullen. But she looks back and the others are giving her a confused look then looking at Cullen, equally confused. No, she isn't asleep. Sonja hurries over to the glowing barrier encircling the red-headed Templar, who is kneeling on the ground, his hands clutched together as if holding onto dear life, his armored body rocking back and forth and she can hear the fervent mumbling of prayer spilling from his lips. "Cullen!" Sonja says loudly, making the Templar jump and he stares up at her for a moment then pushes his eyes shut and his head falls under his clutched hands. "This trick again? I know what your are, it won't work. I will stay strong..." He growls through clenched teeth, beginning to mumble the Chant again and rock back and forth. Sonja stares, bewildered. "Cullen? Don't you recognize me?" She asks quietly. He doesn't look at her, continuing to rock and kneel. "Only too well... how far they must have delved into my thoughts..." He mumbles, picking the Chant back up.

"The boy is exhausted. And this cage... I've never seen anything like it." The old mage breaths and Sonja nods, staring around at the barrier, lifting a hand to touch it but withdrawing it with a hiss of pain as it burns her hand. "Rest easy, help is here." Wynn tells Cullen but instead of seeming relieved the Templar only seems more distraught, begging Sonja to kill him if anything in her is human, to stop these games. "Cullen... I could never-" "He thinks you're a vision Sonja, he doesn't think we're real." Alistair interjects, his brow furrowed and she can see the sympathy in his eyes. Sonja swallows and looks back to Cullen. "Cullen..." "Sifting through my thoughts... tempting me with the one thing I always wanted but could never have..." Cullen suddenly mutters and Sonja's head snaps back around to stare at him, her eyes going a bit wide and feeling a blush creep into her cheeks. Oh he picks now of all times, with an audience, to confess his affection for her. But she can't help the small thrill of excitement at his words.

"Cullen... please, I'm not-" "Using my shame against me... my ill advised infatuation with her... a mage, of all things!" And any good feeling she had from his confession dies and her face burns with humiliation. "Stop it Cullen." She says, suddenly a little angry. She never thought badly of her feelings for him just because he was a Templar, he was a good person, she knew that, she'd thought he'd felt the same way about her, that he had liked her because of who she was. This was worse than rejection. She could handle him telling her he didn't feel the same way but to tell her that he was ashamed of his feelings for her... because she was a mage, that hurt. "Silence!" He said suddenly, standing and giving her a glare so hard she almost took a step back. "I'm not listening to anything you say! Now begone!" He flings his hand at her as it to brush away something in his face and shuts his eyes, then opens them, gaping at her, Sonja giving him a hurt look, not seeing the hard disapproval in Wynne nor the curious but embarrassed look on Alistair's face. Sten doesn't react much. "Still here? But that always worked before... I close my eyes but you are still here when I open them..." He seems completely confused.

"That's because I'm not a vision Cullen! I'm right here!" she says loudly, angrily, motioning towards herself in frustration. "I can't believe you-" "I am beyond caring what you think" Cullen said suddenly, his tone cold, and Sonja's anger falters and sputters and is replaced by hurt again. "The Maker knows my sin, and I pray he will forgive me." He tells her with such conviction and ferocity she looks away, feeling like he had just spit on her. "There is nothing wrong... with liking some one..." She whispers. She hadn't seen anything wrong with it... "It was the foolish fancy of a naive boy. I know better now." He snarls and she looks at him, a pained expression painting her beautiful face. "Cullen..." She murmers, just wanting to talk to him, to find the man she used to know some one where in him, the sweet stuttering Templar she had wanted so badly for five years. But she can't, not with Wynne and Alistair and Sten standing here, especially Alistair, for some reason she is sharply aware of his eyes on her back, she tells herself his opinion on this doesn't matter, but it does. "Why have you returned to the tower? How did you survive?" She doesn't look at him, staring at the floor between them. "Is it so surprising I've returned? This was my home..." She murmers, not saying that she had missed him. "As it was mine. And look what they've done to it! They deserve to die! Uldred most of all!"

"They caged us like animals... looked for ways to break us. I'm the only one left..." His voice trails off sadly and Sonja finally looks at him. The blood mages tried to use... her? To break him? She swallows and thinks about her own dream-trap, she wants to tell him she knows, she knows how he feels. That he is the only one that has had to steel himself against that which he has always wanted, to turn away and stay strong. But Sten interrupts her. "Be proud. You mastered yourself." He says in his deep, gruff monotone. "Be proud? What is there to be proud of? That I lived and they died?" He scoffs, shutting his eyes and turning his head away. "They turned some into... monsters. And... there was nothing I could do." Cullen's shoulders sag and his voice weighs heavy with regret and sadness and despite all he has said to her, Sonja just wants to hold him close and tell him everything will be ok. "Cullen... I'm-" sorry. But she doesn't get to say it. "And to think, I once thought we were too hard on you." He spits out and Sonja's throat stings. "We're not all evil Cullen..." She whispers. _Do you really think me evil?_ She wants to ask. _Do you hate me?_ "Only mages have that much power at their fingertips. Only mages are so susceptible to the infernal whisperings of the demons!" He argues and Sonja frowns. Now he is just being unfair. "What you rather do Cullen? Kill any at the first signs of magic?" she snaps and he looks infuriated. "This is a discussion for another time!" Wyne interrupts, giving Sonja a hard look before looking at Cullen. "Irving and the other mages who fought Uldred. Where are they?" She demands and there is no room for argument in her tone. She always was tough for an old lady.

A look of fear and pain crosses Cullen's face. "They are in the Harrowing Chamber. The sounds coming out from there..." He drops his head in his hand. "Oh, Maker..." He whispers. Wynne doesn't really respond to him. "We must hurry, they are in grave danger, I am sure of it." She says urgetnly. "You can't save them! You don't know what they've become!" Cullen shouts. "I'm a mage too, Cullen, so is Wynne." "But you haven't been up there. You haven't been under their influence!" He argues, then looks anguished. "They've been surrounded b-by blood mages! Whose wicked fingers snake into your mind and corrupts your thoughts..." He whispers fervently and Sonja wonders what corrupt thoughts he's had about her. "You have to end it, now, before it's too late." Cullen demands. Sonja frowns. "I'm going to save everyone I possibly can." She growls defiantly, suddenly determined to prove to Cullen that he is wrong, that there is hope still left. Cullen glares at her and she thinks mournfully that until a year ago all she had ever gotten from him were smiles, blushes, and stuttered words. Where is the Cullen she knows? Is he even still alive? "To ensure this horror is ended, to garantee that no abominations or blood mages live, you must kill everyone up there." Sonja feels anger boil up in her. "You have no room to demand anything of me!" She blurts out. "You say the things you just said to me, about me, and then expect me to just go along with whatever you want because you're a Templar and I'm a mage?" She shouts in outrage. "I am a Grey Warden now. And I bow to Templars no longer." She growls with resolution. "No matter what they used to be to me..." She adds in a murmer that she hopes is only loud enough for him. Cullen just gapes at her. "I have made my decision." She tells him, a look of determination on her features. Cullen's face settles into a grim expression, but says nothing as she turns on her heel and marches with purpose up the steps, hell bent on saving Irving and anyone else she can save so she can show them to Cullen and proudly proclaim to him and Greagoir and every other Templar that she is no longer their captive, that she is free from them and will do what she knows is right.


	4. New Skin

I always thought it was kind of stupid how if Alistair is interested or more in your character he never says anything to you about Cullen even though it's pretty obvious you two once had feelings for one another. So here I am fixing that. Final chapter!

Thanks for reading! Tell me what you think or fave if you like it!

* * *

She had saved all but one of the mages that had been up in the Harrowing Chamber and at the time adrenaline and the will to deft the Templars hadn't let her feel it, but later Sonja had felt almost a little horrified as she thought about what Uldred had become, that she could become a monster like him too if she wasn't strong. Some terrible creature, grotesque and no longer human in any way. She knew she was stronger than Uldred, but she still feared that one day she might slip and bow to the temptation of some demon's promises. But that was neither here nor there. She had saved Irving and several of the other senior mages. They could, with the other mages and apprentices Wynne had saved, rebuild the Tower. It would take time, but she was sure that one day things could and would go back to the normal.

The look on Cullen's face had brought her mixed feelings. It had been almost satisfying, defying him, it was the first time she had been able to defy a Templar in any way. They had controlled her for so long, it was exhilirating to be free of their hold. But she still felt a stab of pain as she had tried to catch Cullen's eye and he had refused to look at her after it had been decided that the threat was nulified and the Tower safe again. Why did he have to hate her like this? How could he have really expected her to kill people she'd known her entire life? Innocent people? Just because they were mages they deserved to die? What about her? Did he wish the same fate on her? She understood that he had been through a lot but she felt his hatred was misplaced and she felt... dejected. For years seeing Cullen had been the high light of her day, a spot of sun shine in her otherwise shaded life, stuck in the shadow of her silent guardians and the stone walls of her guilded cage. It was... hard to suddenly have Cullen consider her an enemy of some sort. She didn't want this at all, she wanted him to smile at her and stutter a hello and blush when she touched his arm. But she supposed that there was no getting that part of her life back. She was a Grey Warden now and she had to shed her old life like a snake shedding it's skin in the spring to grow a new one.

Sonja had to leave behind her feelings for Cullen, they would get her nowhere, she had to leave the Tower behind to be rebuilt by those who could dedicate themselves to it like she no longer could, she had to carry on and finish the task Duncan had left to her and Alistair.

Speaking of Alistair. Sonja is sitting away from the fire, reflecting on the events that had just passed, seated on a fallen log, her knees drawn up and her chin resting on them, chewing on a long piece of grass and her green eyes far away. But she jumps back into the real world as some one sits beside her. "Sorry, didn't mean to startle you." She hears Alistair's voice say. She can barely make out his face in what little of the fire's light that manages to reach them. "It's ok, I was just thinking." She says, looking away from him and kicking a rock away with one of her boots. She could remember wearing these slipper-like shoes in the Tower, now she wears boots under her robes. "Wynne is worried about you." Alistair offers and she catches the unsaid words that he's worried too. Sonja smiles slightly. "I'm fine, really, just a lot to think about." She tells him, seeing him nod out of the corner of her eye. "Yeah... a lot." He murmers and she isn't entirely sure what he means but a slightly awkward stretch of silence follows and she isn't sure what to say to him. She'd really rather be alone right now. But Alistair is a little sensitive and she doesn't know how to tell him without him taking it the wrong way.

"So... you and the Templar..." He starts, trailing off and giving her a sideways look, obviously unsure about bringing this up. She and Alistair are friends but she's always been careful to keep him at arm's length and there are certain things she's purposefully never talked to him about. But now... the ghost of her feelings for Cullen aren't there to hold her back. "Cullen." She tells him and he nods. "And no. There was nothing between us..." She tells him and it hurts just a little bit to admit that out loud. For years that had been her wish, for there to be something, letting that wish go hurt, but just a little bit, the threads holding it to her were thin now. "I suppose I always wished there had been but..." she lets out a sigh and Alistair nods. "Would have been kind of difficult." He tells her, and Sonja lets out a laugh that is a lot like a scoff. "More like impossible." She murmers. "He was right, it was naive." She adds, frowning. And it had been. It had been naive and foolish, the wish of some silly girl. A Templar and a mage could never be together. Templars weren't allowed things like relationships, especially with mages, and mages were rarely allowed relationships either. There was no law barring them from marriage, but few had the courage to love a mage. "He still shouldn't have said those things to you..." Alistair tells her quietly and Sonja gives a sad smile, her eyes staring at nothing in the darkness. "No, it was a good thing in it's own way. I had been holding on to those feelings, I shouldn't have. He helped me even if he doesn't know it. I have closure now." She nods to herself, as if trying to agree so the opinion is more solid. "Even if he was an ass about it." She adds and smiles at Alistair. The ex Templar smiles back. "He doesn't know what he missed out on." He says quietly and then blinks and so does Sonja and he stares at her as she gives a small laugh at the look on his face. "I mean, objectively speaking, not in my own opinion." He clarifies and the mage just rolls her eyes. "Of course." She tells him.

"Come on. I'm hungry and Leiliana is fixing some sort of weird Orlesian soup that doesn't smell half bad." He says, completely changing and avoiding the subject and stands, offering Sonja a hand to pull her up. She never noticed until then all the little things Alistair is always doing to help her and, she knows in the back of her mind, to touch her. But she takes his hand and stands, even though she didn't need help to get off a log. "Gotta smell better than anything you've ever attempted to cook." Sonja teases and Alistair laughs, walking back towards the fire with the mage trailing after him. "You're telling me." Sonja just smiles and follows him, catching the smell of the soup and no, it doesn't smell too bad, smells pretty good actually. She looks at Alistair for a moment as he isn't looking at her, looking ahead at the group around the fire and she decides that things will be better from now on.


End file.
